For my kids, I knew they were done because they fell asleep! Being tired and cranky seems to promote tantrums and the tantrum itself let them decompress, de-stress and fall asleep. Crying is cathartic, ask any grown woman! If you are worried about “spoiling” then make a rule to never give in to a toddlers demands once you’ve already made a decision. If they want a lollipop for dinner and you say no and they pop a cork and fling themselves on the carpet, wailing and kicking, be sure that the child does NOT get a lollipop! If it’s bedtime and they want to stay up and you say no, make sure that no amount of screaming or throwing stuffed animals makes you take that child into the living room for one more video! You’ll only spoil your child by teaching him that he can control your actions with his bad behavior. If you start now, and never let him wear you down with bad behavior, he won’t be the type of kid to throw himself on the floor of the grocery store and scream; At least not more than once. Chances are he’ll try it once and you’ll need to take your purse in one hand and him in the other and walk straight out of the store and go directly home. If you have to carry him, do it. Let him know that bad behavior, even embarrassing behavior in public, won’t get you to change your mind. Giving your child a candy bar in the store if he asks politely isn’t spoiling. Giving your child a candy bar in the store to stop a tantrum, because you originally said no, and he started flinging magazines off the rack IS spoiling at it’s finest!

Now, standing firm on your expectations of his behavior doesn’t mean you have to be cold and hard and can’t comfort him when he’s upset. So long as your comforting is helping him, and not upsetting either of you more, and he’s not using the time to continue negotiations on the original tantrum topic, then it’s ok to get down and talk quietly to him, pat his back, tell him you know how mad or upset he is and how you understand that he wants that lollipop. Let him talk about when he’s feeling and reflect that back in your words. If he can’t put it into words himself, simply tell him what you think he must be feeling. Help him learn the vocabulary of his emotions so he can talk about them the next time. “Gee, you sound very mad. You must have wanted that lollipop very much. You must feel disappointed that you cannot have one right now.” Offer a cuddle if you are up for one, but on the condition that he doesn’t kick or hurt you. If he’s old enough, remind him to take a deep breath or show him how to “shake the mad” out of his fingers, or how to squeeze a pillow until all the mad comes out, or whatever coping strategies you want to teach him for learning to calm himself. If he doesn’t want you to touch or talk, then just give him his space. If he continues to fuss and you feel yourself getting mad, tell him calmly that you are going to let him calm down a little bit, and walk away. If you are getting tense, engaging him is only going to lead to you both getting more upset. In time he will learn the best way to cope with his own emotions and he will learn that mom is a safe place to be and that you love him even when he’s cranky.